I honestly do not know what I am doing here, but here I am.
I think that the idea that your words can effect someone in some way kind of drives you to do things that you feel like are a little outside of your comfort zone. Which kind of plays into the whole worth thing, but we will get to that later.
Today started out as a normal day. I woke up early, and I went for a run. I went to a doctor's appointment. I stopped by Target (this is where things get messy). I load my cart with essentials like dog treats and contact solution, but I also add a California Pizza Kitchen pizza. One of those special edition ones. You know, for the ~adventurous~ types. I plan to go home and have a relaxing day with my pup filled with reading and binge watching Netflix.
But instead I get home, pop that pizza in the oven, and before I know it, I have eaten the entire thing.
For me, this is a giant red flag. A sign of me running from something that I do not want to deal with--a way to deal with my anxiety without actually facing it. A coping mechanism. Food has always been this for me, whether I have been restricting it or binge-ing on it. Now, what is a girl to do when she realizes she has an issue she needs to deal with? Oh, naturally, take her dog outside and put his new stake in the ground, and then spend the next 5 hours in an anxious haze, wondering if she accidentally hit a natural gas line with the stake and worry the house is going to blow up and kill everyone. BTW, Google can't tell me the odds of that happening, I tried asking.
This is the thing about life: no one actually knows what they are doing, but we all do a damn good job of pretending we do. We all are running from our problems in one way or the other. My way is to assume the worst (like imminent death) and to believe lies about myself (unworthy being the biggest). And my binge-eating and anxiety attack day of crazy alerted me to the fact that these struggles--these things that I fight daily--have not been given to the Lord. My assumption of my unworthiness and my failure have caused this wedge between my Savior and me. Instead, I am running around trying to fix my own problems like I have all the answers, when that is the furthest thing from the truth,
So, I sat with my Lord and told Him what was up. That I needed His help to fight these demons and imminent death (both literally and spiritually). And guess what? I am still human, so I am still sitting here with my heart in knots because that is what anxiety does. But I know that at the end of the day, I will make it. The Lord has my back. I am His. He is mine.
So for those nights when you eat an entire pizza, realize that you are human, You will hurt. You will fail. But the grace of God is greater than all of those things. He sees you and loves you exactly where you are at, even if it seems impossible.
And wake up in the morning and choose to believe it again.
